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The human mind ordinarily operates
at only ten percent of its capacity. The rest is overhead for the operating
system. I love deadlines. I like the
whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Time exists so everything doesn't happen at once. Space exists so everything
doesn't happen to you. Obe Wan Kenobi at the dinner table: "Use the FORKS, Luke!" What's another word for 'thesaurus?' How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann?? What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A pool table! If the human brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies A: Bingo Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger - "I'll be BACH!" Recursive, adj.; see Recursive Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been Here We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Only In America
"He drove his German car made of
Swedish steel and interior of Argentine
leather to a gasoline station, where he
filled up with Arab oil shipped in a
Liberian tanker and bought two French
tires, composed of rubber from Sri Lanka."
"At home, he dropped his Moroccan
briefcase, hung up his Scottish tweed
coat, removed his Italian shoes and
Egyptian cotton shirt, then donned a
Hong Kong robe and matching slippers
from Taiwan."
"More comfortable now, he poured
a cup of hot Brazilian coffee into an
English coffee mug, set a Mexican
placemat on an Irish linen tablecloth
atop a Danish table varnished with
linseed oil from India. Then he filled
his Austrian pipe with Turkish tobacco,
lit it, and picked up a Japanese
ball-point pen with which he wrote a
letter to his congressman demanding to
know why the United States has an
unfavorable balance of trade."
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl and a lawyer? A: I don't know, but I'll bet it enjoys screwing you. What is the difference between a saloon and an elephants fart? one is a bar-room and one is a BAROOM!!!!!!!!!!! Why is there a fence around a grave yard Because people are dying to get in. How many Belgiums do you need to milk a cow? 24. Four to hold the udder and 20 to move the cow up and down... What's the first thing a Russian says to a visiting American? "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?" Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already in the United States. Q - Why do Mexican built cars have small steering wheels? A - So that they can be driven by a person wearing handcuffs. Q: Which is better, being born black or gay? A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents. How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card. What do baby diapers and politicians have in common? They both need to be changed reqularly...and for the same reason. Q - How did they elect the current Pope? A - They took a Pole. Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks. Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian? A: Only the first one can make you smile. How did the sailor know there was a man in the moon? He went out to sea. (Out to see.) Q: What is brown and found in a baby's diaper A: Michael Jackson's Hand Q: Have you heard of Salomon Rushdie's new book? A: It's called "Buddha, You Fat Fuck" Q: What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? A: The Captain's log! Do you know why Canadians do it "doggie style? So that they both can watch the hockey game. Q: Why do divers dive backwards off the side of the boat? A: Because if they went forwards they'd land IN the boat. Q - How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? A - At the circus the clowns don't talk. Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles? A: Three bullets. 159 Q: What has a thousand balls and fucks rabbits? A: A shotgun. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"? A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!" Q - Did you hear the man complaining about his wife? A - She thought Cooking and Fucking were two cities in China. Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? (answer below) | | V A: Why, Pilgrims, of course! (Mayflowers, get it?) Did you hear about the three statisticians who went duck hunting? The first one shoots and misses 6 inches above the duck. The second one shoots and misses 6 inches below the duck. The third one shouts enthusiastically: "We got him!!!" A magician is on stage performing his act. As his last trick approached, he requested that the strongest man in the audience come up on stage. As per request, a big burly man with hams for arms volunteered. "For my final feat, I will ask this ox of a man to take this sledge hammer and whack me over the head," proclaimed the magician. Feeling a little uneasy about this request, the volunteer says to the magician, "I can't do that, I'll kill you!" "No, it's O.K. It's all part of the act," assures the magician. So the volunteer, unwillingly, takes the hammer, and slams it on the magicians head. The magician is out cold, half his brain spilling from the impact site. He's rushed to the hospital where he undergoes 12 hours of surgery. The volunteer is with him throughout this endeavour, feeling responsible for this whole incident. After the operation, the magician remained in a coma for 6 months. Every day the strong man came to visit, reading a story, being comforting, hoping that he'd wake up. Finally, late at night, just as the man was about to leave, the magician begins to stir in his bed. He wakes up, sits up, looks the man right in the eyes and says, "TAH-DAH!!!!!!" Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing. Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything. Judges are pmople who start out knowing everything about everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and lawyers. Seen on a t-shirt: Picture: A chicken and an egg, lying in bed side-by-side, each smoking a cigarette. Caption: "Who came first?" Elementary, My Dear Watson Sherlock Holmes was helping Watson with his taxes. To the smug face of Sherlock, an overjoyed Watson exclaimed, "Another brilliant deduction, Holmes!" Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
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: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light
bulb? Q. How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb? A. Ten, but we'll accept eight! Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One -- men will screw anything. Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles. A2: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it. Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. Q: How many alchemists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Into what? Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32 ... Q: How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really one. Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: Three. One to change it, one to write a manual, and one to work on the upgrade. A4: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one. Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change? A: Eno. Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A2: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes eight million years. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many fat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A2: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway. Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: Eleven: 1 to change the lightbulb and 10 to form a support group! A2: Seven: 1 to change the lightbulb, 3 to protest the offense committed by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, 2 to secretly wish they were the socket, 1 to secretly wish she was the lightbulb. A3: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so. A4: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels. A5: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications. A6: That's not funny!!! Q - How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end. Feminists? Two: One to screw it in, and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first. Four: One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket. People? It takes two to screw anywhere, stupid. Q - What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A - You can unscrew a lightbulb. Q - How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.
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1. Phone NASA. Their pxone number is (731) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible. 2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA. 3. If you don't have any friends at the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try. 4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible. 5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives. ( Douglas Adams in prologue to the omnibus version of The Htchiker's Guide To The Galaxy.) Douglas Adams
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Subject: Oxymoron OXYMORON Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp" Moros = "dull" "Oxymoron" = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise. ...a self contradicting phrase. _____ When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results. Calvin Coolidge For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. Abraham Lincoln That that is is. Why is this thus ? What is the reason for this thusness ? Artemus Ward Ah well, they say its not as bad as they say it is. Black Light I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Left Handed Screwdrivers. Striped paint. Pigeon's milk. Straight hooks. Cooking glue. It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe. ...about as useful as a chocolate teapot. I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink. compulsory volunteers college student jumbo shrimp That shoe fits him like a glove. I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me. Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass, plastic flowers, invisible ink. P}ple have one thing in common: they are all different. It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. Paul Valery When one has good health it is not serious to be ill. Francis Blanche Is there life before death ? Belfast Graffito Often it is fatal to live too long. Racine The first condition of immortality is death. Stanislaw Lec As famous as the unknown soldier. Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on. I must follow the people. Am I not their leader ? Benjamin Disraeli The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once. A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think its the one in the coffin." The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams. He lived his life to the end. You always find something in the last place you look. A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. "Just lost a shoe ?" she asked. He answered, "Nope, just found one." Classified add: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit. It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. John Andrew Holmes Some painters transform the sun into a yelow spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun. Pablo Picasso Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait. Stanislaw Lec My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. Ashleigh Brilliant A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants. Arthur Schoperhauer Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce You can observe a lot just by watchin'. Yogi Berra In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain. Pliny the Elder The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never praising themselves. Wyndham Lewis I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one. James G. Bennet Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. George Bernard Shaw Trapped, like a trap in a trap. Dorothy Parker I am not sincere, even when I say I am not. Zules Renard You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it. W.S. Gilbert Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure. Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me. Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got. Procrastinate now! I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating. Young Man: Why do philosophers ask so many questions? Old Philosopher: Why shouldn't philosophers ask so many questions? What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow. A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription: "When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here." In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This sudden rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat. "Have you lived in this village all your life?" "No, not yet." "Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?" "We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago." "Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!" "Hey, Trixie, what's your earliest memory?" "Umm... I don't remember!" Overheard in hotel: "It's eight o'clock, sir!" "Why the devil didn't you tell me that before?" Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. Ashleigh Brilliant There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. Salvador Dali Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded. Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground. Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer: Quick as a flashlight. It rolled off my back like a duck. (When told his son was getting married) Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. A hospital is no place to be sick. Our comedies are not to be laughed at. I can give you a definite perhaps. (when told a script was full of old cliches) Let's have some new cliches. ("You say you've never mad a picture before?") Yes, but that's our strongest weak point. Gentleman, include me out. A verbal contract is'nt worth the paper its printed on. I can tell you in two words: im possible. (on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him) Why did you do that ? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam! I paid too much for it, but its worth it. Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. I read part of it all the way through. If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue. Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do? Associate: Modern dancing. Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no longer need. May I have your permission to destroy all records before 1945? Goldwyn: Certainly. Just be sure to keep a copy of everything. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. (on a film set of a tenement) Goldwyn : Why is everything so dirty here? Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area. Goldwyn : Well, this slum cost a lot of money. It should look better than an ordinary slum. Gentlemen, listen to me slowly. That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays the golden egg. Keep a stiff upper chin. We have all passed a lot of water since then. ... we have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the resevoir. (in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour") Goldwyn : Maybe we ought to buy it? Associate : Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians. Goldwyn : That's okay, we'll make them Americans. Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting. Associate : Its to caustic for film. Goldwyn : To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it. More sample and analysis (including a collection of visuals) can be found in "More on Oxymoron" by Patrick Hughes, 1983, Penguin books. -- Brendan Kehoe -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. Omni (November 1979) --------------------- Proof that 2=1 1) X=Y ; Given 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 3) X^2-YS2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract YS2 from both sides 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ;Factor 5) X+Y=Y ;Cancel out (X-Y) term 6) 2Y=Y ;Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y An oxymoron is a phrase which contradicts itself. i.e.: Military Intellegence. Jumbo Shrimp. By 2010, the majority of Americans will be Minorities. Same Difference. "That's the tallest dwarf I've ever seen!" There must be two key words that mean the opposite, or are mutually exclusive. Well, fight nice, and cheat fair. "If I say something which you understand fully in this regard, I probably made a mistake." --Alan Greenspan quoted in today's USA Today
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HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. CAUTION: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Weight Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
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For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must ravel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker. The Dark Computer is a technological breakthrough destined to eclipse the recently announced Light computer. The Dark Computer results from years of study, research and developments in the dark. It is faster than the light computer because dark travels faster than light. (Proof: Before light gets anywhere dark is already there!) The Dark Computer uses the newly discovered subatomic particle, the dark quark. Our research has determined that two dark quarks combine to form the basic elementary particle of darkness, the offon. Three dark quarks combine to form the elementary particle of management, the moron. The Dark Computer requires very little power, so little, in fact that it is completely powered by a single lunar cell (similar to the solar cell, but more efficient in dark conditions). A complete bundled software package, developed at the Arizona University of Mimes Night School, comes with each Dark Computer. The software includes DOS (Dark Operating System), Lunar-C (a quick & dirty C compiler), Duskbase-V (an irrational database), and NADA (an object oriented programming language). Some of the special hardware features of the Dark Computer are: * Multiple shift registers for right-shift, left-shift, and night-shift. * One biggabyte of memory composed entirely of shadow RAM with fully dissociative outta cache. * Music Synthesizers with demonstration tunes such as Moonlight Sonata, Dark Eyes, and In the still of the Night (which is not a hillbilly song) * Surreal-time Clock with granularity of 28 days (known as 1 lunar tick). * A display composed of one million (1000x1000) DEDs (Dark Emitting Diodes). These are similar to LEDs (Light Emitting Diodes) in the same way that electron-flow theory resembles hole-flow theory. The MLB Dark Computer is especially useful for such applications as black hole research, dark side of the forces commutations, blindfold tests, vampire tracking, and mushroom management. Military applications include SDI, Stealth Research, and RFP generation. The Dark Computer is powerful enough to handle computations on matter, anti-matter, and doesn't matter. Don't be left in the light! Get a Dark Computer for your company and keep all your employees in the dark! |
A) You are suspected of playing DOOM: 1) "Oh, that must have been my screensaver you saw!" 2) "Those files are my Database program. DOOM stands for Database Online Operational Management. Yeah, your right, 'WAD' is a pretty strange extension, isn't it?" 3) "Yeah, I've heard some strange noises around here too. Rodents in the HVAC ducts, maybe?" B) You are overheard playing DOOM: 1) "Growling? Oh, that was probably my stomach you heard; I worked straight through lunch today." 2) "Chainsaw? No, I don't have a chainsaw in here. Mrs. Smith said something about pruning the plants at the reception desk this morning, though; you might ask her." 3) "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking that loud. It was my wife on the phone, we're not getting along lately. Thorny Brown Bastard? Ha! It's a long story, she hates it when I call her that." C) You are caught red-handed playing DOOM: 1) "You know, this is a great screensaver but the damn thing keeps locking up or something and I can't get it to go off." 2) "It's the latest in CAD!" 3) "It's an assertiveness training program." 4) "It's supposed to be 'Barney's Jungle Adventure' - I just picked it up for the kid, you know; but it looks pretty warped to me." 5) "I don't know what the hell it is, it said Lotus on the disk. Maybe we got some bad interference on the Net or something." 6) "I hate to say this, but I'm pretty sure it's the 'KillingGlee' VGA virus. Don't know how I could have picked it up. Only way to get rid of it is to play it out."
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1. Don't abbrev. 2. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct. 4. About sentence fragments. 5. When dangling, don't use participles. 6. Don't use no double negatives. 7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. 8. Just between you and I, case is important. 9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary. 11. Its important to use apostrophe's right. 12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive. 13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object. 14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period 15. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase. 16. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart. 17. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language. 18. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 19. Never put apostrophe's in plural's. 21. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it. 22. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice. 23. Avoid alliteration. Always. 24. Employ the vernacular. 25. Eschew ampersands, & abbreviations, etc. 26. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 27. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. 28. Contractions aren't necessary. 29. Freign words and phrases are not apropos. 30. One should never generalize. 31. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 32. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 33. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 34. Be more or less specific. 35. Understatement is always best. 36. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 37. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 38. The passive voice is to be avoided. 39. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 40. Uven if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 41. Who needs rhetorical questions? 42. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 43. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 44. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 45. Do not put statements in the negative form. 46. The adverb always follows the verb. 47. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 48. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 49. A writer must not shift your point of view. 50. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 51. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 52. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. 54. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 55. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) 56. Always pick on the correct idiom. 57. Avoid Obfuscation. 58. Avoid mispellings. 59. Do not use computerese, jargon, argot, newspeak, or British when expressing yourself in the American English Language. 60. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo. 61. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too. 62. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively. 63. Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and should be thrown out the window. 64. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct. 65. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas. 66. Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors. 67. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before. 68. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 69. Check carefully for grammatical errers. 70. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 71. Avoid colloquial stuff. 72. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions. 73. Be sure to check your work for accuracy and cmpletemess. 74. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the very plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives. 75. And always be sure to finish what 76. It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms. 77. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. 78. De-accession euphemisms. 79. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 80. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. 81. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 82. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. 83. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents 84. About them sentence fragments. 85. Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 86. Try to not ever split infinitives. 87. Correct speling is essential
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Only In America
"He drove his German car made of
Swedish steel and interior of Argentine
leather to a gasoline station, where he
filled up with Arab oil shipped in a
Liberian tanker and bought two French
tires, composed of rubber from Sri Lanka."
"At home, he dropped his Moroccan
briefcase, hung up his Scottish tweed
coat, removed his Italian shoes and
Egyptian cotton shirt, then donned a
Hong Kong robe and matching slippers
from Taiwan."
"More comfortable now, he poured
a cup of hot Brazilian coffee into an
English coffee mug, set a Mexican
placemat on an Irish linen tablecloth
atop a Danish table varnished with
linseed oil from India. Then he filled
his Austrian pipe with Turkish tobacco,
lit it, and picked up a Japanese
ball-point pen with which he wrote a
letter to his congressman demanding to
know why the United States has an
unfavorable balance of trade."
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How about: "Keep your hands off my private participles" "Make me an indecent preposition" "Home of the cunning linguists" From: Gwen Eckman fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU ***Political Correct Terms*** Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual. Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional. Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding. Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs. Lazy: Motivationally deficient. Fat: Horizontally challenged. Fail: Acheive a deficiency. Dishonest: Ethically disoriented. Bald: Follicularly challenged. Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated. Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance. Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled. Worst: Least best. Wrong: Differently logical. Ugly: Cosmetically different. Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured. Short: Vertically challanged. Dead: Living impaired. Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual. Spendthrift: Negative saver. Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced. Pregnant: Parasitically opressed. Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor. Subject: BUNGEE-INC. WE HERE AT THE BUNGEE CORPORATION, GUARANTEE THAT OUR CORDS WON'T BREAK, OR YOUR NEXT JUMP IS FREE. In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct." Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes UTILITIES 1) "man" pages are now called "person" pages. 2) Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime." 3) To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is now merely "domestic_quadruped." 4) | date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-force" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored. 5) The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral "gendre" command. 6) The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers. 7) "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar" and "feather". 8) The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command. 9) The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly "LaTeX". SHELL COMMANDS 1) To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been renamed "euthanise." 2) The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones. 3) "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory." 4) "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced. 5) The "abort()" function is now called "choice()." TERMINOLOGY 1) From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as "exploitive capitalist text". 2) The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides." 3) There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable. 4) Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background. 5) For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS). 6) No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users. 7) The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System. 8) And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively Challenged. Subject: Humor:A guide to PC... Q: WHAT IS P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
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1. Credibility All Lies are designed to seem true. The expert liar carefully uses elements that seem probable and logical and are therefore easy to believe. On the other hand, The Truth is often illogical, wildly improbable and hard to explain. Lies are more believable than The Truth. 2. Reliability The Truth is spontaneous, accidental and unpredictable. Lies, however, can be planned in detail long in advance and are thus guaranteed to turn out just as predicted. Lies are more dependable that The Truth. 3. Economy To be The Truth, an account of a given event must be completely accurate. This requires painstaking resourcefulness, expensive research, time-consuming attention to detail, complex logistics and thoroughness. In spite of all that, some people will believe it and others will not. A Lie will produce identical results without all the fuss and bother. Lies are simpler than Truth; Lies cost less than Truth in time, money and effort. 4. Value The Truth can be found anywhere; it belongs to anybody who finds it, absolutely free. Lies are custom-made, often by experts, and the best ones are highly polished works of art. Lies are worth more money than Truth. Have you ever heard of anybody bribing a witness to tell The Truth?" 5. Respectability A. Great fortunes have been made by selling Lies to the public. The people who sell these Lies are often grateful to the gullible consumers, so they endow libraries and universities and cultural centers. B. Nobody ever made a fortune selling The Truth. First of all, as already stated, The Truth is free. The only people who will pay money for The Truth are people who are being blackmailed--and they are only buying The Truth so they can hide it before anybody else sees it. Lies lead to libraries and universities, while Truth leads to blackmail. 6. Stability A. Take one thousand parts Truth, add one part lie. Result: a Lie. B. Take one-thousandth part Lie, add one part Truth. Result: again, a Lie. C. Note that you can make a Lie out of The Truth, but you can't make The Truth out of a Lie. Lies are stronger and last longer than The Truth. 7. Imagination In reporting The Truth, a person must research the precise facts and stick to them exactly as they occurred. The liar can report the same incident without doing any research, merely saying whatever comes to his mind and filling in "details" according to his fancy. Lies are more creative than Truth. 8. Recognizability People are accustomed to hearing Lies all the time. If you tell The Truth, people will think you are lying. If you convince them you are telling The Truth, they will become suspicious. Why is he suddenly telling The Truth? What's going on?* 9. Supply and Demand A. In describing any given incident, only one version can possibility be The Truth, whereas the number of Lies possible is unlimited. Obviously Lies are in far greater _supply_ than Truth. B. There is a great _demand_ for Lies, if they are flattering, if they build up one's hopes, if they help one escape reality or if they promise health, wealth, power or potency. nobody is very anxious to hear The Truth. The only people who _demand_ The Truth are those who are investigating something (lawyers, etc.)--and they only want The Truth to prove somebody else is lying. Lies are the acceptable medium of exchange in our society. They are in good supply and the demand for them remains strong. The Truth is in extremely short supply, but even this tiny supply far exceeds the demand. Thus, in our society, Truth occupies a position identical to that of dinosaur shit. Conclusion: Lies are superior to Truth in numerous ways. Lies are more ingenious; Lies make the world seem more pleasant; Lies are less embarrassing than Truth, and less frightening. Furthermore, in fields such as diplomacy, statesmanship, merchandising, advertising, public relations and bookkeeping, The Truth is an out-and-out handicap. In friendship, Truth is harmful; in love, it is disastrous. My prediction is that The Truth will be phased out of our society, almost unnoticed, in less than a generation. It will become a curio like the two-dollar bill. Probably there will be museums where samples of The Truth will be displayed for the benefit of the curious children who want to know what it was like. One can only hope that the curators of these Truth Museums will have the good taste not to fake the exhibits. The Truth is that The Truth has become old-fashioned. It's full of odd-shaped little nooks and crannies, like so many old fashioned things; some people find them fascinating, but most people find them a pain in the neck. For those who care, it is a wonderful feeling to hold The Truth in your possession, to keep it and cherish it, never to misuse it, then pass it along freely to anyone who wants it, giving it to them undamaged, unpainted, unadded to and unsubtracted from and every bit as glowingly alive as ever. To find all those joys in the handling of The Truth is a labor of love, but most of us in today's society have no time for such things.
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Why did the priest cross himself? To get to the (pointing skyward) Other Side! Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? A: To get to the other ... er, um ... by various famous people
STARDATE 73823.6: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (1) |
Postmodern Version of Red Ridding Hood Story There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of communityu. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health as was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied,-"Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way." Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way." "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what big teeth you have!" The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his axe, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped. "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him. "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems-without a man's help!" When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after. Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some p}ople called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what as in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way." Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said oftly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget that I am optically challenged." "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have." "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child." "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper. "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams." "Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner." "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?" "Sure," said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?" Have We Gone Too Far Once upon a time in a far-away country, there lived a little girl called Red Riding Hood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fruit to her Grandmother, who had been ill and lived alone in a cottage in the forest. It happened that a wolf was lurking in the bushes and overheard the conversation. He decided to take a short-cut to the grandmother's house and get the goodies for himself. The wolf killed the grandmother, then dressed in her nightgown and jumped into bed to await the little girl. When she arrived, he made several nasty suggestions and then tried to grab her. But, by this time, the child was very frightened and ran screaming from the cottage. A woodcutter, working nearby, heard her cries and rushed to the rescue. He killed the wolf with his ax, thereby saving Red Riding Hood's life. All the townspeople hurried to the scene and proclaimed the woodcutter a hero. But, at the inquest, several facts emerged: 1. The wolf had never been advised of his rights. 2. The woodcutter had made no warning swings before striking the final blow. 3. The Civil Liberties Union stressed the point that, although the act of eating Grandma may have been in bad taste, the wolf was only "doing his thing" and thus didn't deserve the death penalty. 4. The SDS (Students for a Democratic Society -- a radical group from the 1960s) contended that the killing of the grandmother should be considered self-defense since she was over 30 and, therefore, couldn't be taken seriously because the wolf was trying to make love, not war. Based on these considerations, it was decided there was no valid basis for charges against the wolf. Moreover, the woodcutter was indicted for unaggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Several nights later, the woodcutter's cottage was burned to the ground. One year from the date of "The Incident At Grandma's," her cottage was made a shrine for the wolf who had bled and died there. All the village officials spoke at the dedication, but it was Red Riding Hood who gave the most touching tribute. She said that, while she had been selfishly grateful for the woodcutter's intervention, she realized in retrospect that he had overreacted. As she knelt and placed a wreath in honor of the brave wolf, there wasn't a dry eye in the whole forest. ============================= Little Red Riding Hood was packing her little basket, getting ready for her trip to Grandma. The last thing she put in was her Forty-four magnum. Off down the path she went and into the forest. Out from behind a tree jumped the Big Bad Wolf. "Okay, Chickie," he said, "I'm going to rape you!" Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her forty-four and pointed it at him. "No you're not, sucker. You're going to eat me just like it says in the story!!" Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says, "Hah! I've got you, Red Riding Hood, and I'm going to fuck you all night!" Red calmly pulls a .44 out of her basket, cocks it at the Wolf, and says "Oh no, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like the book says." Once upon a time, there was a sweet, cute, darling little girl named Little Red Riding Hood who was going to her grandma's house at the other end of the forest. Along the way, she meets a Big Bad Wolf who asks in a polite voice, "Little girl, where are you going on this nice fine day?" "Well, actually, my ma told me not to talk to strangers," Little Red Riding Hood says. "But since you are such a nice wolf, I'll tell you. I'm going to my grandma's house at the other end of the forest." "It's so sad, but I'm not going by that way ... see you some other time!!!" And with that, the sneaky, no good, Big Bad Wolf dances away to grandma's house at the other end of the forest, chuckling to himself, "Hee hee, kids nowadays, little do they know ...." So Little Red Riding Hood slowly proceeds, arriving at her grandma's house late in the afternoon. The door is ajar, and a strange deathly silence permeated the air. "Oh grandma, I'm here to visit you!!!" "Ooooh dearie, I'm inside, sick in bed," a gruff voice replies. Little Red Riding Hood enters the house, only to see a huge *thing* lying on the bed. "Oooh grandma, what BIG ears you have." "Better to hear you with dear ... (hee, hee)" "Oh grandma, what BIG eyes you have." "Better to see you with dear ... (hee, hee)" "Oooh grandma, what BIG teeth you have." "(hee, hee) Better to EAT YOU with ..." And the Big Bad Wolf leaps hungrily out of bed, ready to pounce on poor, cute, defenseless and darling Little Red Riding Hood ... Only to see her rip out a .44 Magnum from under her basket and unload four rounds, point-blank, into his belly. "Arrrghh," the Big Bad Wolf cries in pain. "Kids nowadays ... I shudaff known ...."
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| Lista polecanych do przeczytania książek znajduje się w dwóch miejscach: pełna lista wszystkich książek w dokumencie wprowadzającym do każdego działu. Książki dotyczące konkretnej tematyki z reguły są pokrótce przedstawione u dołu dokumentu. | |
| Myśli i aforyzmy ku pobudzeniu ducha, Opus - myśli wg ktrych y trzeba, Wiersze - także ze Stowarzyszenia UmarÅ‚ych Poetów i o śmierci, Niech Stanie siÄ™ Czowiek - sÅ‚owa sawiące wolnośÄ‡ i potÄ™gÄ™ czÅ‚owieka, KsiąÅ¼ki piÄ™kne,wartościowe i te które warto przeczytać, PiÄ™kne opowieści - Anthony DeMello i inni, WolnośÄ‡ - nieustanne czuwanie |
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